May 15th, 2010 § Leave a Comment
Before I became obsessed with finding a new theme last week, I was going to discuss how my mental clutter plays into my physical clutter. I’ve gotten so used to the mess, so used to climbing around boxes and bins and what-nots, that when I do manage to clear out a space, something nags at me. I don’t feel comfortable. Having been through years of “cognitive” therapy, I know why I feel this way. There are two reasons, although they’re so closely intertwined, they’re probably just two sides of the same coin, so to speak.
- I’m “comfortable” with clutter. It’s how I’ve lived my life for many years. I first truly noticed this when I’d picked up my den/office area. My phone’s batteries had run down, and I didn’t want to put it on the recharger because I’d have to step over piles of papers and stretch across boxes. Except that… I’d actually cleared a path to the phone base. It was easy! And it didn’t feel right.
- The more serious problem, and I think the harder to fix, is my feeling that I don’t deserve to have a clean, tidy, neat home. It’s just one manifestation of my low self-esteem.
I discussed this with my counselor last week. So we’re starting (very) small, in hopes that I can get used to a clear walk space. I have a garbage bag full of clothes in my bedroom, ready to be taken to Goodwill. I can’t tell you how long the bag’s been sitting there. Long enough to have gathered dust on it.
There’s also a couple of huge boxes from Zappos, one on top of the other. The cats enjoy them, jumping into the bottom box and hiding under the box on top of it. But the cats don’t make the money in the house, so they have to live by my rules. (Well, up to a point. They are, after all, cats. And they have trained me well.)
So, before I see my counselor next week, I have to load the bag of clothes in the car and break down the boxes to take out with the trash. Since one week has already passed, have I made any progress? Why, yes I have! I’ve gotten rid of both boxes. And I plan to take the bag o’ clothes to the car this weekend. (And maybe I’ll even drop it off at Goodwill next week.)
Heh. I was going to take a picture of the semi-clean spot, but I can’t find my camera.
